We can have a love-hate relationship with the holidays — especially this year. On the one hand we love being around family and good friends and eating great food. On the other, the hard emotions we experience seem to be amplified and seemingly impossible to bear. 2020 presents unique holiday twists with COVID, racial and political tension, grief, and perhaps unwelcomed financial strain. 

This year, maybe more than ever, healthy boundaries are vital during the holidays. A boundary simply defines “where you end and another begins,” to quote Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It demonstrates what you are and are not responsible for, protects you from toxic situations, and provides an opportunity for you to demonstrate self-respect and respect for others, too. 

But setting and maintaining healthy boundaries during the holidays? So tough. 

Aunt Susan corners you in the hallway and asks for money, again. 

Uncle Bob instigates political arguments. 

Mom tells you she is coming to stay with you for two weeks. 

Your friend does not pay you back for the gift you bought together. 

Your cousin asks you why you are still single. 

Your family does not think it is important to wear a mask. 

You are supposed to buy a present for every. Single. Person. 

The boundary problems could go on and on, but the point is that they are happening. And they are happening often. How in the world are we supposed to manage this, especially in a year where our emotional and physical capacity has peaked a long time ago?

1. Understand your limits. 

If you have been hit hard with financial strain this year, you don’t have to buy the amount of presents you normally do. If you hate political conversations, you don’t have to participate in them. If you have concerns about gathering during a pandemic, then you do not have to go. Here is the catch: you don’t even have to share details about why you are not going or engaging or spending as much. You have the option to share with trusted people, but you don’t have to. Pay attention to your limits. It is good and healthy to honor them. When we push ourselves beyond our limits too often, burnout is the result. I think we can all agree that we are already tired of feeling burned out this year. Knowing your limits is a way of understanding and honoring your needs, which demonstrates self-respect. 

2. Ask, “What are the boundary problems here?” 

After turning inward, then turn outward. Look around you at Thanksgiving lunch or Christmas dinner if you choose to gather with a small group of friends or family. Notice who is pushing boundaries and what is happening. Are they coming too close into your physical space? Are they asking too many personal questions? What is the boundary being crossed? Is it yours or someone else’s? 

3. Name your feeling and consider what you need. 

How do you feel about the boundary crossed? Where do you feel it in your body? Then think about what boundary you need to implement in the situation. Do you need to walk away from political arguments or opt out of the Christmas drawing or let them know that you won’t be joining the group this year? 

4. Be brave and communicate the new boundary. 

If the situation calls for you to acknowledge your boundary out loud, then use a simple I-statement to share with another person. 

“I’m sorry Aunt Susan. I do not have any money right now to give you.” 

“Uncle Bob, I don’t talk about whom I voted for with my family.” 

“Mom, it’s OK with me if you stay for one week, but not two.” 

“I need you to pay me back by Friday. Thanks!” 

“I am uncomfortable talking about my dating life.” 

“I would appreciate if you wore a mask around me.” 

“I won’t be entering the drawing this year for gifts.” 

“I can’t work on Christmas Eve.” 

Share something simple about your boundary. You don’t have to give a long and personal explanation. Just share honestly. When you choose to honor yourself and your limits over the holidays, you will find yourself less stressed, more present, and less resentful toward your loved ones. Most importantly, take time to rest. It’s OK to say no to things you do not have the energy for this year. This has been a hard year for all of us, and we need this time to be a time to recharge spiritually, physically, and mentally.