I think we’ve probably all been in friendships that have been unhealthy to some extent. We’ve either hurt them or they’ve hurt us. And hopefully, we’ve all known healthy friendship, too, where there is reciprocity and freedom to be our authentic selves and a deep sense of companionship. But sometimes we stay in toxic friendships too long without seeing (or ignoring on purpose) the red flags, and sometimes we don’t pay attention to green flags because our walls are up too high due to past hurt. 

Though no friendship will ever be perfect, we need to make space in our lives for friends and know when someone may not be “friend-material.” We talked about why we need friends in the last blog post, so we won’t dig into that now. We also need to know what makes up good friendships. What to look for to help us discern if it’s a friendship worth having. 

The @millennial.therapist on Instagram shared a post last fall about red and green flags in friendship that I’ve never forgotten. It’s so good, I’m going to share them all with you.

Red Flags in Friendship 

From Sara Kuburic 

• They often criticize you
• They are only around when they need you 
• They are dishonest 
• Their words and actions don’t align 
• They refuse to apologize 
• They are jealous and/or competitive 
• They only talk about themselves 
• They make you feel bad about who you are
• They don’t respect your boundaries 
• They belittle or humiliate you in public 
• They talk behind your back 
• They make fun of your goals or interests 
• They speak about their other friends with disrespect 
• They use your vulnerability against you 

Green Flags in Friendship 

• They check-in on you 
• They communicate how they feel 
• They set, honor, and respect boundaries 
• They accept you for who you are 
• They respect your interests 
• They are open to receiving feedback
• They are honest
• Their words and actions align
• They apologize when they are wrong 
• They support your growth 
• They strive to understand you (even if they don’t agree with you)
• They are intentional about resolving conflict 
• They speak about their other friends with respect 
• They show you that they care about you 

Again, no one will do these things perfectly, but you are looking for them to try and do the green flags consistently for them to be a good candidate for a long-lasting friendship. 

We won’t dig into each of these red and green flags here, but we will look at the characteristics of bad friends (where there are red flags) and good friends (where there are green flags). 

Based on Kuburic’s red flags, some characteristics of a bad friend are: 

• Pride / Arrogance 
• Inconsistency / Hypocrisy 
• Selfishness
• Disrespect
• Coldness / Uncaring behavior 
• Manipulatiion
• Jealousy
• Rude behavior 
• Dishonesty 

Based on her green flags, the characteristics of a good friend are: 

• Humility 
• Consistency 
• Ability to see others as valuable as them 
• Respect 
• Warmth and Caring behavior 
• Support 
• Intentionality 
• Vulnerability 
• Honesty 
• Acceptance 
• Willingness to grow 
• Grace 

Are your friends showing you those bad characteristics or the good ones? If they are showing the bad ones on a regular basis, maybe it’s time to have a difficult conversation about how they’ve been treating you and how that makes you feel. Or maybe it’s time to say goodbye to that friendship. It’s hard to let friends go sometimes, especially when we’re scared of being alone, but it may be what we need. We’ll talk more about this in the coming weeks if you feel stuck. 

If your friends are showing these good qualities, when’s the last time you thanked them? Or is there someone in your life like this, but you’re scared to let them in because of past hurt? Maybe it’s time to process that hurt so you can have the kind of relationships that are life-changing. 

I hope you’ll be wise and pay closer attention to your friendships. I hope you’ll find the bravery to confront unhealthy and toxic friends and the hope to believe that great friendship is possible.