The fear of failure is one we’ve all known at some point in our lives, but what I’m noticing is that it’s not so much the failure itself we fear. For some that could be it, but for many, it’s more about what could happen after failure. The potential consequences of it. 

It’s not the “F” on a test. It’s possibly repeating a grade or failing the class or getting punished by our parents because of the “F.” We are taught at a young age there are consequences if we don’t “do right,” and for many of us, that’s motivation enough to try hard, work to succeed, do our best, and not screw up. We don’t want the punishment or the consequences when we fail or fall short as we defined it in the last post. 

As adults we fear the consequences of our failures, too. The potential for failure is present in every area of our lives. We can fail at being physically healthy by never exercising or eating healthy or sleeping enough. We can fail spiritually by giving into sin or neglecting our prayer lives or leaving the community of God. We can fail our partners by treating them badly, not listening well, cheating on them, manipulating them, abusing them, or not being emotionally supportive, to name just a few. We can fail at work by not doing our jobs well. We can fail financially by overspending or neglecting to save. We can fail our friends and family through many different unhealthy behaviors. 

Some failure is a given because there is no cure for being human. So the outcomes of failure are real, and again, to avoid these negative outcomes, we work hard not to fail in these areas of our lives. But I wonder if that is a healthy motivation. 

As we talk about the things we fear in failure, I hope you’ll assess your own motivations. I hope you’ll consider whether you are only doing the right thing so people won’t leave you or because God has called you to. That you aren’t trying to build your identity off your success, but that you’d work hard out of the overflow of knowing your identity is secure in Christ. That you’d love well and serve well not so people will like you or approve of you, but to be more like Jesus and obey Him. 

A Few of the Fears

Disappointment 

When we fail, we are afraid others will be disappointed in us, that they will think less of us or be upset. Many of us grew up in environments where disappointment was like punishment. Disappointment never feels good for any of us,  but it can be especially difficult for those of us who deeply care about what others think. If we’re honest, that’s all of us to an extent. 

People feeling disappointed in us is as inevitable as failing. It will happen, and it’s okay if it does. It’s something for us to accept instead of work to avoid all the time. We can remember disappointment is just a feeling, not a permanent label on our foreheads. Everyone feels it from time to time, especially with people they care about and respect most. You feel it, and so do your people. 

Even God feels it. But just because someone is disappointed doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving you, especially God. 

Abandonment or Rejection 

This is possibly the scariest thing about people being disappointed in us— they might leave us. The disappointment might make them fire us or stop hanging out with us or break up with us. I’d be lying to say that that won’t happen. It could. Too many mistakes at work can result in being fired. Too many mistakes in marriage can result in divorce. Living with these consequences is part of what we have to do to learn. It helps us grow and work toward necessary changes. 

But our expectations of ourselves can get way too high when our motivation is to avoid being abandoned or rejected. We will do anything to keep the person or the job, sometimes pushing ourselves beyond our capacities and shaming ourselves when we can’t do it all. Or we’ll take on responsibilities that weren’t supposed to be ours in the first place so they won’t leave us. And when they do leave (because sometimes they will), we then believe it’s all because of us or that we aren’t worthy of people staying. 

Can I remind you of a truth right now? Yes, people may leave and people may reject you, and they may do it in hurtful ways, but God will never leave. No matter how disappointed or upset he may feel. He won’t leave. He stays because we are made in His image, worthy because he has made us worthy, loveable because he loved us first. No amount of failure will take away his love for us. 

Loss

 If we fail, we fear losing people, jobs, finances, status, possessions, or maybe even time. Again, we may experience some loss from failure. We will lose money if we overspend. We will lose respect if we are sneaky and deceptive. We will lose relationships if we treat people badly. We will lose things, but maybe the loss is a necessary part of the pruning process of sanctification. Maybe God allows this kind of outcome so we can repent and make changes. Maybe he wants to prune to make room for the new. 

Some loss is out of our control, but when it’s because of our actions, we need to be willing to accept those consequences and move forward in growth. 

No one wants to live with these kind of consequences because they are painful. And nobody likes pain. But avoiding pain or uncomfortable emotions is a waste of time because they are inevitable on this side of heaven. We can strive to honor God with all we do and do things well, but when we fall short and feel the pain that comes with that, we can return to the loving, safe, gracious arms of Jesus. The one who never stops loving us no matter what we’ve done, who will never leave us no matter what we do. Because of this, we can confess and repent and start over with new mercies each morning. We don’t have to live avoiding disappointment, abandonment, or loss. Instead, we can run to Him when those things come.