“It’s not gossip if it’s a prayer request.” 

This feels giggle-worthy, but I googled this phrase and apparently it’s so widely used that people are printing it on dish towels, napkins, and sharing it in memes. I can’t make this up. I hope that they are being facetious, but if you have run in church circles for very long, you have probably heard some similar things. People today may not be so bold as to say this out loud, but how often are we guilty of living this way? 

We think that if we are “processing” something, asking for prayer, or being honest about our feelings, then that is never gossip. We are just getting it out into the open in an attempt to be emotionally and spiritually healthy or to be the good Christian who prays out loud for others in front of people. But the fact is gossip does often sneak into these vulnerable conversations, no matter how well-intentioned we are. 

In the last blog post, we talked about processing and why we need it in our lives. Let’s review the definition here briefly. 

“To process means to examine the meaning of memories and emotions learn from something that has happened in our life. We are not always processing something when we choose to be vulnerable, but we are always vulnerable when we choose to process.” 

To be able to compare the two, let’s also look at a definition of gossip. You might be surprised, but it is difficult to find a consistent agreed-on definition of gossip. Some people say that it is simply talking about another person. Some say that it is sharing something about someone that they don’t want known. Some say it is talking badly about a person. Most view gossip as harmless until it becomes scandal, or talking about things that are rumored, possibly untrue, and could hurt another’s reputation. 

The bible talks about slander and gossip many times. Slander is similar to defamation— speaking to another in a way that hurts his or her character and breaks him down. Gossip is secret slandering. It is done in jest sometimes, and in other times, it is done in the name of processing or authenticity.  We talk badly about people when it serves us best, when we think it will help a story or build us up and validate what we feel. But the Bible is clear it is sin. In Romans 1, Paul talks about various forms of ungodliness and unrighteousness. In vs. 28-29, it says, 

“And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a base mind and to improper conduct. They were filled with all manner of wickedness, evil, covetousness, malice. Full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity, they are gossips.” 

It’s nearly impossible to not talk about others as we process because we live in relation to others, and most often our deepest pain involves others. It is okay to discuss others’ role in our story as we work to make meaning of things. What’s not okay is crossing the line to focus the attention of your story on the flaws, mistakes, secrets, or accusations of/toward another person. Gossip is secret slander. Meant to tear down, not build up. And this does nothing to serve us when we need to process an experience. It only leads to more anger and bitterness. 

So it is clear that gossip is not good. But how do we avoid it? 

Ask, “What words am I using to describe this person?” 

If you say things that are an attack on the person’s character, that is not healthy. An example of this would be: “He is the most lazy person I’ve ever met. He never does anything in the house, and all he cares about is watching sports.” A way to process this frustration that is helpful is to word it like this instead: “I feel overwhelmed at home because the chores all fall on me. I need help, and I feel frustrated when my husband does not help.” You hear the difference? If your language is hateful, defaming, and highly critical, you’ve crossed a line. And that language is not helpful for anyone. 

Ask, “Is it my story to share?”

It is rare to need to share someone else’s sin, pain, private battles, and struggles with another person. If it’s not our story, then we should avoid sharing it. If a friend tells me her marriage is struggling, it is not my job to then go share with my other friend that so-and-so’s marriage is struggling and how can we pray for her. I know it seems well-meaning, but it’s not our story to tell. We need to honor the privacy of others. 

Ask, “Is it true? Is it helpful? It is inspiring? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” (THINK acronym by Lee Colan)

When we process a hurtful experience, we don’t have to speak about a person in a positive way when they’ve hurt us. This is not what I mean when I encourage you to ask these questions. Again, processing is bringing other people into the story only when they have impacted your own in some significant way. If it is not necessary or helpful, then negative details about the person can be left out. Instead focus on what happened, and how that affected you. 

Can you think of more questions that you ask yourself to help avoid gossip? I know it’s hard, but when we live intentionally and thoughtfully, we can avoid slipping into this trap. Gossip only brings more pain, and that is not what we want. We want to live in wholeness and healing, and so let’s commit to taking time to be slow to speak, mindful of the words we use and the stories we tell. 

**For more scripture on gossip, see Proverbs 11:13, 16:28, 18:8, 20:19, 26:20, 26:22 and 2 Corinthians 12:20.